Scapa Flow 2006

Day 1

So- off on another trip. We all meet up at 8am at Woz's house and put all the kit out on the pavement next to the car. There is no way on Earth that all that kit will fit into one Audi so we start the 3D jigsaw that is dive car packing. The executive decision is made that if we are short we will leave Rob behind to free up some space. However the car does us proud and we manage to tessellate everything into the boot. A couple of slams of the boot and we expect the windows to fire out sideways cos of the internal pressure but the car held.

GPS bint tells us that we have a whopping 10 hours driving ahead of us so in we get to catch the 7pm ferry. Quick stop at Tescos to get some food and cash and beer and toothpaste then steam off. Nic claims that the male voice on the GPS is quite sexy and will pop out and buy her champagne and chocolates but no-one else is convinced.

At this point the Little Yellow Naughty Book makes an appearance so bookings start aplenty with Rob making a quick start out of the gate by snoozing in the back of the car catching flies . Kev over sauces Woz's McD sausage inna bun but luckily it appears that Quicksilver brown T shirts are the perfect colour to disguise dried on tomato ketchup. The Forestry Commission get an entry for planting trees in the shape of a willy and Dobby manages a booking even though she was not there for not telling anyone about her garden centre on the A9 . Rob tries setting off from a layby without releasing the handbrake then tries to do a crap scottish accent that sounds like a welsh indian . Kev asks for his "Coca Coley" so gets booked for being pathetic. Woz is getting delerious from the long drive so sings continually for an hour about fluffy sheep. Being fluffy. Very white and fluffy. Apart from the brown ones. That are fluff. But not white.

Not bad so far and we haven't even started diving.

So- we arrive in Scrabster (lovely name) and unload the car forming a human chain to pack the little white wheeled diving equipment cart that gets loaded onto the ferry. The car gets dumped in Scrabster car park then onto the ferry we go- and a very nice ferry it is too. There is a bar (good job too as it was well past beer o'clock) and it's very plush.

Arrive at Stromness and pick up the white wheelie thing which appears to have its brakes permanently on a bit which makes it a bugger to push. Helen (the boat deck hand) and Hazel (the skipper) look a little surprised to see so much kak.

Day 2

So- after a sleep we get kitted up with most of the faffing done on the way to the first dive site, the Brummer. Rob gets a booking for having no less than 4 second stages on him then grabbing Kev's when the mouthpiece came off his main reg . Kev's torch batteries were flat (not the best thing on a dark dive) and Hazel got a booking for not telling anyone the wreck was on its side which made it a bit confusing. Still- an excellent day's diving. Back to Stromness where Nic asked if she had to put "England" on the postcard and Rob knocked all the ice cream cones onto the floor in the ice cream shop then claimed they jumped off all by themselves . We all watched Kev operate a battery drill which was like watching primitive man discover fire for the first time . Helen called Kev 'Woz' then Woz forgot that he was not actually Kev . Rob went on to diss the creators of the book while Kev went to the stern of the boat to watch Woz's poo float away .

Day 3

The next morning saw Nic with a blocked nose so she bought some Menthol Crystals which everyone sniffed and immediately started crying as the stuff was like tear gas . Rob had bought some kiddie Capri Sun drinks from the supermarket and Helen had stolen Kev's camera and taken photos of her own nipple , a part of the body that Woz failed to recognise . Kev's undersuit developed a talking crotch which was somewhat disturbing but not as disturbing as seeing Kev draped in the saloon "like a tart" . Still, we got into our dive kit then realised that at least 2 of us were still tied to the bench . Cries of "Helen! Can you untie me?" rang out across the boat. Excellent diving with some stupidly long deco on the Kronprinz Wilhelm. In the evening Hazel asked us if we fancied a RIB ride so Woz, Nic, Rob and Helen jump in and Hazel shoots off towards the Old Man of Hoy, a big sticky up bit of rock.

All was going fine until the RIB packed up in the middle of nowhere , something that would send normal people into a bit of a panic but just got a resigned "oh- we're used to that" from the NUSAC divers. Rob ended up being very wet, mainly cos Woz stole the only spare waterproof trousers . We got back and started the cooking for the evening for which there were many bookings- Nic for not being able to see the towel the was leaning on , Woz for claiming to be dead but obviously not , everyone else in the World for not coming , Woz for not wearing a hat and Rob for more self-abuse in the shower . Kev did a great impression of a cowboy while climbing the ladder but then failed to climb down the same way so got booked . Rob claimed there were 3 floors on the boat when patently there were not however Kev was caught looking at Rob's poo floating away . I think he has a poo obsession. Prince Consort Vodka was booked for being made in Milton Keynes and Nic developed an irrational fear of Tomato Ketchup . And so to bed.

Day 4

Rob doesn't know the difference between a manicure and a pedicure so was immediately booked for that then for complaining that The Book was too harsh . He has yet to understand the complicated rules of The Book which are a little like the rules of Mornington Crescent. Nic did not know anything about Kev's non-existent horses despite Kev naming them all after reindeer . And so into the water where at 35m Woz finds one of his cylinders is turned off so makes the international "I am a twat" sign to Kev who turns it on. That's after both Woz and Kev were tied to the bench. Again . During deco Kev fails to win a single paper scissors stone game . After the dive, Nic complained of a swollen lip after an encounter with a jellyfish but Hazel reckoned that it was a mild skin bend as there was a rash on her lower neck and shoulders which faded on O2. Coastguard and ambulances and a very competent Hazel get Nic off to Stromness chamber double quick where the Diving Doctor couldn't decide either way . No treatment required and he recommended she didn't dive the next day. So- back for more cooking where Woz got caught drying the plates on the arse of his jeans then knocked the pots off the cooker . Hazel claimed Woz could communicate with the dead which made Woz spit his food out and forget how old his own daughter was . Rob claimed to be a geek and to prove it, the label in the back of his pants had a name in . Well it was his brother's name. So he got booked for sharing pants . Then again for boasting how well he was doing in the book . Hazel got a booking for being old swiftly followed by Woz for pretending he was not old and Kev for sleeping with Rob , who got a booking for being an inept virgin . Hazel's rubbish indian accent got a booking as she sounded like a camp indian welshman.

Day 5 (Bendy Friday)

Woz falls out of bed during the night but can't remember it at all. Rob gets disciplined by some Germans in the shower when he tries to push in . Nic has her moment of fame as Radio Orkney has her non-bend on the news . We all troop up to the car hire place to collect the car for a tour round the islands. Woz goes 6p over on the £20 fill up then stalls it coming out of the car park . The car is making a strange clicking noise which won't stop despite several attempts at percussive maintenance. We all steam off to Yesnerby which are very high cliffs with arches and stuff. Very picturesque. Round to Skara Brae which at £6.50 a head is vetoed. So we spend at least that much in the shop buying tatt instead. Rob is fooled by the car radio as Woz retunes it with the stalk near the steering wheel, much to Rob's annoyance. Rob doesn't get Woz's awful joke so is booked for forcing a Crap Joke Repetition Incident . The search for Twatt then started which is very tricky to find so we abandoned the search and went for a massive grease-up in Kirkwall then found a shop that sold Kazoos. Excellent. Rob immediately broke his, nearly choking on the small paper bit . Back via a Twatt road sign for a photo...

... then to the Ring of Brodgar where we desecrated a national monument several times.

Return to Stromness where Woz gets booked for excessively loud kazoo playing which brought work on the new pier to a halt and people out of the Ferry Inn to see what all the commotion was about. Kev gets a booking by waking Woz up by shouting FIRE!! at the top of his voice . Helen over-reacts to her phone ringing and spills lots of beer after downing the rest of her vodka .

Day 6

Rob starts well by flushing the bog with a bucket even though the pumps were on. Woz over does the kazoo and breaks it , after which there is a small service and a dignified burial at sea for what is a classic musical instrument. Just before the dive Rob loses his hood and gloves then finds them exactly where he left them . Kev was once again tied to the bench and Woz soaks Helen and Hazel as he jumps in with a stage . During the dive on the Coln, Kev spurns the love of a brittlestar and Woz misses the swimthrough . Kev blinds Woz with his HID torch and Rob fins furiously on Nic's head . After diving the England football team get a booking for being Losers then Kev gets booked for playing doleful, badly tuned kazoo . Then he realises that the hat has gone missing, blown off the deck somewhere in the Flow . More doleful kazoo follows. Woz did not enjoy Nic's seductive leaning enough then forgot that a human being normally has 2 hands . A phone call from Nic's boyfriend, Tony, reveals that not only is football more important to Tony than Nic is, but also his potatoes are too . Rob, with the rubber chicken bought from Kirkwall, plays with its emotions, the poor thing . Rob tries to act sexy which is a disturbing sight so immediately gets booked for being a virgin . Helen tries to book the book itself which may have caused the end of the universe as we know it .

Day 7

Kev repeatedly enters stuff in the Menorca section of the book so gets booked himself. Keeping Woz awake with his grinding teeth all night was not fun for Woz who was trying to stop falling out of bed again. Nic claims that a pair of puffins are, in fact, a basking shark . Rob, despite many warnings, still refuses to wear a belt with his jeans so continually has "somewhere to park his bike" showing . Yuk. Kev ties himself once again to the bench , as does Woz . Hazel does not appreciate the kazoo playing which is nearly continuous now. Kev's pants remain unchanged for over 2 days- we know this as they have an indecent split up the side . On the Kronprinz Woz gets a booking for solo diving under the ship while everyone else wusses out. However the lunchtime visit to Lyeness was brightened by Woz in the fuel bunker playing "The Stripper" on the kazoo (the place has amazing acoustics) and sexily removing his undersuit . Back on the boat and Rob is booked for "not knowing his arse from his elbow" and dealing far to slowly in the card game , a fact which Kev points out and gets thumped for , a thump which he quickly returns so gets booked for "not turning the other cheek" .

Day 8

Woz starts off the day well by emptying the wrong cylinders for a nitrox fill and Helen melts the lunchtime chocolate bakery snacks by leaving them leaning against the hot kettle . Hazel slaps Woz with Kev's intestines as she punches through Kev's torso . Kev moans about the paper-scissors-stone law despite once again losing. Then he moans about the moaning . The man will never learn. Kev is once again tied onto the bench (as is Woz) and makes a mess of blob firing . Rob tries to fool Kev with the amount of stops he has to do but is very unconvincing . Nic gets booked for rubbish I-spy on the shot line and Woz does some very very wrong thrusting . Rob gets booked for not having a Durex ring on his wallet (the man is totally unprepared) and Kev during the Bottle Run dive gets booked for steaming off into the distance . Then gets booked for not weeing off the back of the boat all week, despite it being rather good fun . That night in the pub Kev is booked for bringing goats on a trip then stands in front of the wrong side of the automatic door, waiting for it to open despite there not being a sensor anywhere near . Nic gets booked for Suicidal Music on the Jukebox then Woz gets booked for turning the Ferry Inn into an Ibiza club then again for inappropriate thrusting . There is excessive wind from Woz , along with some camp farting and gay wafting . More inappropriate thrusting follows , especially after Rob buys Woz the cheapest, nastiest whisky in the pub . We serenade Helen with a rendition of Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way" at top tilt in the pub which causes Helen to slide under the table in embarrassment .

Orkney's proper lovely and if Hazel buys that massive boat she showed us, we'll definitely be back.- the diving is awesome.

UPDATE: we are going back Easter 2007. Hooray!

Very very wrong video of Woz in Lyness fuel bunker.

Thanks go to Hazel and Helen on MV Stormdrift for looking after us.