Menorca 2006

Day -1

Some of us meet up in Huddersfield at a relation of Woz's to make the journey to Manchester Airport a little less painful the next morning. An over-enthusiastic niece gets threatened by Woz with "Captain Spanky will be visiting Botty Town" which sends Kev and Kate into fits of giggles and sets the tone for the rest of the week.

Day 1

Blimey. 4:30. That's what it looks like. Lobbing it down with rain, dark and grim and a 45 minute dash to the airport along nasty motorways. Still- we're all excited as we off on our hols. Jack and Abi are making their own way to the airport so we arrange to meet there. Turn up at Airparks at Stupid O'Clock and dump the car with the local kids who promise to look after it for a week.

So- off to the airport for a bit of a queue for the check-in desk. The clerk appears a little surprised that you can pay for sports goods but after a little negotiating he lets on Woz's Deceptively Heavy dive bag. All 30kg of it. A slight dash for the plane where Woz tries riding the trolley and nearly ends up being run over by it. Kate and Woz find themselves booked into the seats with acres of legroom. Great for Woz but no real difference for Kate. Off takes the plane, up through the clouds into lovely sunny clear sky.

At this point it is worth mentioning that the concept of "Captain Spanky's Little Yellow Naughty Book" was born. A small yellow notebook that was to be the thorn in the side for everyone present as the week wore on. First entry was Jack asking "what is the currency in Menorca" swiftly followed by Kate as she banged her head on the window as she turned to look out. Not once, but 3 times. Oh dear. Yellow book offences will now be indicated by a

So- arrived safely at Mahon airport in Menorca and met up with the Bluewater Scuba staff. Off into the car park to find a 9 seater- top banana. It was immediately christened "Captain Spanky's Botty Wagon" and we all piled in.

Drove along to the villa (via a supermarket for some booze and food) on the opposite end of the island which turned out to have 3 bedrooms, a rather nice kitchen/diner/living room and its own pool, into which Abi immediately pushed Jack who then massively spat his toys out of the pram and went off for a strop .

And so to bed, after Kev calling Woz a puff for putting a second blanket on the bed (then asking Woz at 4am to fetch him one ).

Day 2

So- off to Bluewater Scuba to sort out kit, faff somewhat and get excited about the diving. A few formalities then loaded the vans with kit to drive to the dive site. Woz makes everyone then empty the van to find his fins then discovered them in his kit bag . Abi tries to get in the wrong van then eventually we set off despite having to stop again to get Woz's drysuit which he pulls off the drying rack and boots himself in the head with . First dive of the week was at Cala Blanca, a local resort with a nice easy entry to let everyone shake down kit.

Everyone is fine in the water but Jack gets out with 10 bar and receives a slight telling off from Martin the dive guide.

So- off for the afternoon dive at Car d'Artrutx Lighthouse, near the villa. A somewhat tricky entry here that involved a climb down the rocks before kitting up but it was a joy to get in the water after kitting up in blazing sunshine. Kev forgetting to put on his weightbelt did not help a deal but eventually everyone gets in.

First cave on this dive- a large one just on the headland underneath the lighthouse that gave us all a chance to go and play with our Big Torches. Clambered back out of the sea and across the rocks and back to the Botty Wagon where Jack tries to get in the wrong door , offers his drysuit to Woz to smell the crotch then tries to get in the wrong van door. Again . Back to BWS (Bluewater Scuba) to strip and dry the kit with help from Liability Miguel and the Punishment Shower, which, if you were stood under it, was likely to get switched sneakily on by Kate .

By this time it was a quarter past Beer O'Clock so we went to the local bar for some San Miguel and a game of outdoor pool in the sun.

We nipped to Ciutadella the local old town on the way back from collecting Jane from the airport- very pretty but with comedy police cars that appeared to double as children's entertainers vehicles.

Day 3

Abi got an immediate booking for asking whether chorizo sausage really was made from horse's willy , Miguel ran off with the van keys , Kev poured water all over the table, missing his glass by miles then Jack drove on the wrong side of the road . Kate then batters Kev with a cylinder , Jack tries to get in the wrong side of the van (again) and Jane is booked for "Excessive Use of the Rumble Strip" . Not a good start. However the dive soon made up for that with a trip through a tunnel in a headland and out the other side to find lots of life- octopus, cuttlefish and moray eels. Then back through the tunnel to the entry point. Cracking dive, Gromit.

Jack tries to get in the wrong van door again , Jane's driving uses the kerbs to steer but eventually we get back to BWS safely. The afternoon dive was a little corker called Grand Canyons- a tricky entry involving a long walk over rocks then a couple of metres drop into the sea but boy was it worth it. Straight into a cavern with big boulders in it then off up a side passage where the freshwater and seawater meet so you dive through a wibbly-wobbly halocline up into warm fresh water. Turn round back into the cavern then exit from the side through a letterbox shaped slit into the bottom of a bay full of arches, swimthroughs and steep sided "canyons"- a great playground only slightly marred by Jack trying to hump Kev continually through the dive .

Day 4

Boat diving today off a great big 7.5m RIB with a lovely 200hp engine nailed to the back. Its first trip out of the season and it was a great dive platform apart from the miserable skipper (Marv) and the engine that had to be started with a screwdriver . Still- went and did a scenic dive below some cliffs called Indian Rocks. Plenty of life then into a pretty bay for a lunch of Horses Willy sandwiches and tortilla (a big thick omletty type thing. Delicious).

Next dive was the highlight for many of the week- a long dive in a cavern called Pont d'en Gill. Dropped off the boat then swam through a big arch in the headland then back through a narrow squeeze in a different bit of the headland. Then into a big cave entrance with a sandy floor which we follow up and along, passing some amazing rock formations and through a halocline too. Then we surface in a cave called the "Back Cave" which Martin tells is is a whopping 230m from the entrance. Cor. We are hard. But not as hard as Marv who was found on the little beach in the Back Cave without a torch having freedived all the way from the entrance .

Then we descend from the back cave and into the main chamber which is stunning- organ pipes of stalagtites nailed along the walls. We drift very slowly along with the fresh water for about 20 minutes, using the Big Torches to light up amazing displays of rocks, one of which Jack makes the Big Love to .

Then we duck down again out of the cave and back out towards the entrance- a big blue hole that frames all the divers perfectly. Martin surprises us by shooting down a narrow side passage that Woz has to wiggle through after Kate shoves him out of the way .

So- wow. Great diving. Off back to BWS then it's Beer O'Clock again so we pootle back to the villa for some San Miguel.

Day 5

Mid-week stuff now and we're well into the diving. Everyone is looking great in the water so we are off for a fairly deep dive to the Malakoff in 40m of water. Woz immediately starts the day with some stupid sandwich slicing suggestions then has a minor strop at BWS after getting done by the Punishment Shower . Martin gets a booking from the previous day for not holding Kev and Jack's hands and also for briefing us that the Pon d'en Gill dive would take "between 65 and 65 minutes" . It was 62 so he does, in fact, know his onions. A quick entry for Kev for standing on our sandwiches while pulling the anchor up and another entry for Marv as he was still a bit sad . The dive was cracking with shoals of Barracuda on the wreck- very atmospheric. Kev and Jane disappear at the 1/2 way point back up the shot (they were on singles) while everyone else racks up deco pootling round the rest of the wreck. All 33 minutes of it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

A booking for Kev for believing Jack's signal that he had 7 minutes of stops , another for Jane for being a Gas Huffin' Ho , Woz for humping the twinset into the van then having to hump it out again , Miguel for having to have the Book Rules repeated to him twice and Martin for letching and asking about Janes "boyfriend" . And Abi 3 times for calling Kev "Woz" . Miguel really gets into his stride by dancing like a tosser then Marv bangs his head on the A frame while doing the screwdriver trick with the engine . Woz has crap dive execution (no more than 10 mins of stops) and is a shotline bully , continually knocking Kate off. Miguel point begs then gets booked for arguing with the book . Jack gets booked for excessive use of the book and Abi for Premature Waving during our mini mexican waves .

We decide to have a "bendy Wednesday" and go to Ciutadella for a bit of shopping and a beer or two. We buy hats and the bookings really start as not wearing a hat is deemed to be a bookable offence so the little Yellow Naughty Book has alot of Woz- hat , Kev- hat , Jack- hat , Jane- hat type entries.

Woz falls down the shop steps while buying the comedy lighter that electrocuted Kev when he pressed the button . Jane tried to fit an A clamp reg onto a DIN cylinder then Abi had to use 2 hands to put a coin into the parking meter . Granted she has got one of them in a cast but that's no excuse.

Day 6

The morning started with a frenzied knife attack from Kate (well a gentle stabbing anyway) and Jack being booked for being a Lazy Git . And forgetting his hat . And drysuit . Which is bright orange . Woz tries to get in the wrong door to drive and despite noncholantly walking past pretending to check the gear in the boot is spotted by Kev and gets a booking .

A couple of dives off the Slipway- a bit of a swell running but by this time a bit of waviness wasn't going to put us off. Down a 5-6m gully then off a wall to about 20m which in that viz can be a bit vertigoey. Woz gets caught out by the Stone Game . Well the "2ft square tile game".

The second dive is in a cave called Church Door. A weird booming noise that sounds like someone dynamiting above your head greets you on the way in but if you look up, you can see the waves breaking against the entrance. It's not the World Falling In. The dive back from Church Door is along a wall with a deep gully. Martin with his silly split fins ruins the viz in the cave .

Abi gets a booking for damaging the book , Jane can't catch (she's Thpeshull) , Abi steals Jack's hat and does a really crap fag end throw swiftly followed by Kev who, despite claiming he could "easily hit the sea from here" could not get the stone even 3/4 of the way there and threw like a girl . Jane clips both fin straps on upside down , can't turn her cylinder on and faffs unneccesarily then moans about being booked for it . Kev punches Jack in the eye then Jack picks up Jane's computer which was left on the floor, for which she gets a booking then another one for us convincing her that she had to run all the way back down the hill to fetch it . Without her hat . Then argues with the book . Jack claims that his fin "smells of wee" and Kev believes him and smells it .

Back to the villa where Woz throws beer all over himself

and Kev and Kate find a donkey. Which does not have a straw hat .

Day 7

Final day's diving. Off to Cala Blanca for a nice pootle round the bay, poking our noses into corners. Kate gets a booking for "book smugness" , Jane forgets her weightbelt and Jack dibs out completely . Kev gets a booking for jumping into the water with his hat on .

However the viz was cracking and we found a fishing rod with which Jane violated Kev .

Kev tried to convince us that he is DIR by doing part of the dive in a Superman pose. Stroke .

Kev has a little go at driving which is spectacularly bad , despite having driven 2 years ago after 3 lessons. Then back to BWS to completely dry the kit and let it all sit in the sun ready for packing later on. Miguel gets scared by Woz's AutoBlob and screams like a girl . Back to the villawhere Kate places a sun lounger so she ends up staring directly at Woz's crotch , is not wearing a hat and cannot catch sweets . Woz can't be bothered getting the book out of his pocket and while drying the kit, Halcyon get a booking for making umbilicals that have rusty screws (they are "a bit Beaver"). Kate claims she cannot have an ice cream "because I am driving" despite it having no booze in it then drives on the wrong side of the road anyway . Then gets on her high horse about it so is booked for being on "Peeved the Normal Sized Horse" . Jane demonstrates how well made her drysuit is by showing us how to dump air .

Jack wears a towel that does not cover his bum , skids all over the floor and moons accidentally at Kev who screams like a girl . Kev tries to calm down by trying to light an already lit fag then Woz gets booked for Embarrassing Shouting , Excessive Shouting and Flies Undone Again .

Then off for the evening to a local restaurant where we are forced to eat copious quantities of dead animal washed down with as much wine as we can fit in. Then out come the shots which have a remarkable effect on Woz

and results in Kev having to nip outside for a bit of a "sit down" while trying not to spew everywhere. Off to Ciutadella for afters where Jack convices Miguel that he is really A Gay then books Miguel for being Swedish , having a Spanish name and talking English with a Scottish accent . Then has to have a bit of a sit down in the road to stop a passing taxi.

Miguel then drives on the left despite being from a country that drives on the right. And Woz gives Jack his phone instead of the Yellow Naughty Book . Jane and Kate get booked for singing Abba . Marv the Sad Skipper is booked again for "not having a willyin his bum" which everyone thinks would cheer him up no end, having the "bang bang in the Janos". Miguel then argues that he should have a pay cut then gets booked for "self entry" in the book and writing in the book in Swedish then another booking for arguing with the book . Along with Kev . And Woz . And Martin . Reading the book out appears to lead to lots of entries for book arguing. It was like an Italian football match at times. Kev passed out in bed and slept in his hat and Jack came back without a hat at all .

Day 8

Up at not too early for a rollercoaster ride to the airport courtesy of Jane and her random porridge stirring gear selection which led to a couple of panicky moments when overtaking a lorry . The Airport gets a special mention for being particularly crap once past the security bit as it didn't have a cafe and the shop sold copious quantities of Horses Willy and Cheese .

So- all in all a good trip. The diving was great, it felt like a proper holiday and everyone got on fine, even though Captain Spanky's Botty Wagon smelt extremely undersuity by the end of the week.

Thanks go to Bluewater Scuba for looking after us.